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CountTapir2143
Henry: In the period of time at university where I was sort of…
Henry: In the period of time at university where I was sort of exploring my identity a little bit more um, I came across a group of people that were sort of, you know identified under the LGBTQ spectrum, and were very kind of open about discussing how they were feeling.
And it wasn’t until I had a couple of conversations with those people, and started to kind of explore things a little bit more, you know I remember hearing somebody describe themselves as gender queer, and that was a term quite early on that I thought oh actually that, that might fit. Because I was, I’ve always been aware of this kind of, this dissonance, this disconnect between how I feel and how I want people to see me, and kind of the body that I’ve got, and I kind of grew up either having just the sense of apathy towards my body, which I know isn’t you know, with teenagers especially, isn’t, isn’t uncommon. Or I would have periods of time where I would actually feel quite a lot of distress around certain areas of my body and doing different things and being in certain social situations.
So when the words yeah gender queer was the first one, and then kind of when I explored the term trans, and transgender more specifically, I started to realise that there were other ways of identifying, and I think, when I started to experiment with things, very much in a safe way, so I started off by wearing a binder, a couple of times a week, just in my room.
And I just kind of did it really, really slowly, and then I, then I would wear it out, and obviously nobody really kind of noticed specifically apart from a few close friends, and my partner at the time, who I kind of have conversations with, but they were very subtle changes, so I was aware I was taking it at my own pace, and then I kind of asked people to change their pronoun use, and then it wasn’t, I think it was a, I think that, that kind of happened over a period of probably about two years. Cos I was quite conscious, and I guess the media also is prone to telling people that when somebody realises that they’re trans it’s [clicks fingers] suddenly everything happens very quickly, and people make quick decisions and then regret them. And that was a rhetoric I think that I was very conscious of, and still to an extent am quite conscious of for different reasons.
I was acutely aware that this was always the second time I’d be coming out, and my first time didn’t go so well [laughs], so my, when I came out as gay I, I didn’t really come out so I, I had a secret, I had a secret girlfriend that I called a lot, and clocked up a phone bill, and then my parents confronted me about that, and oh it was a mess [laughs], so got off on a bad foot to start with, you know with a £250 phone bill, that was not the best way to go about it.
So I was conscious that I wanted to be more in control this time, I think that had given me, I almost saw this as an opportunity to do it right, but again I was aware that I might face a lot of negative responses I think, as much as, you know I was in a, I was in a bit of bubble at university and then you know me coming out to my friends at university wasn’t a surprise, cos they’d already kind of seen me exploring things already, and everybody, for the most part, was incredibly supportive and genuine in kind of being supportive. But it was the wider world and you know outside of that bubble that I was most afraid of.
And I almost, so I toyed with the idea of writing something to my parents but just, I felt like there was so much opportunity for miscommunication if I wrote something down, that I, as much as I know it’s such a valid way for some people to use to come out I, I chose instead to just sort my head out and speak to them about it and I’m glad I did, and I did that, I did that over the phone, but I’m, again yeah I’m glad I did it that way cos I kind of told them over the phone and then kind of just left it with them for a bit.
And immediately when I said that again they, they weren’t really surprised when they heard it, but it, me kind of giving that information to them they were supportive of me from the offset, and then the questions came. So I think I almost gave them that information and then they started to question it and to, they, I mean since my parents have, so my parents have gone through a greater transition than I have to be honest cos now they’re almost too supportive, they, you know go to Pride marches and they’re better than I am.
But they, they did have a lot of questions at the start and I think some of those questions weren’t always phrased in the best way. So I almost again trying to do it at, at my own pace rather than feeling rushed like the first time, I was, they would, they would ask me questions, I’d then have time to process and I’d get back to them and it was, it was a very, that distance helped I think.
And then I, so I remember posting a status on, on Facebook I think, about six months after I’d told my parents and that’s when I guess the wider world were informed, and if the, if there were negative responses I can’t, I can’t remember them if I’m honest, and I think the positivity that I got outweighed whatever the negative was. And again it was almost like I posted it and then I left it, and I didn’t go on Facebook for a week, and I just, yeah I think I, as I’ve grown I’ve gotten to know that I much prefer to do things at a slower pace, where I feel more in control, and it says a lot about me I think [laugh], but yeah, that’s kind of how I did it.
And to be honest around that time; so I entered, so when I graduated from university I did kind of a social work grad scheme, so I went into social work, and starting that grad scheme was an absolute baptism of fire because I, it was the first time I’d started something as [name], with he/him pronouns, so that, that was kind of the start of the limbo stage, what I call the limbo stage which was a little bit horrendous because everybody knew me as [name], and you know for the most part used he/him pronouns, but I wasn’t, so I still had a high voice and I, you know I was basically waiting for the access to the hormones that I knew were kind of the natural next step for me so that was the, that was the part when I found myself having to come out every day, and that was where it got a bit more difficult.
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